I have to blog about this just cause it’s trippin’ me out a bit. It’s something that’s been rackin’ my brain since I got here and it flares up every once in a while, just like it’s doin’ now. Shit.
Basically, I mean, I feel like I’m not doing something right. I can’t pinpoint if it’s karate specifically, martial arts in general or all of that together. I know that I am having to reinvent myself now. Essentially this is what has been happening since I left for Detroit. A metamorphosis took place. That much I can understand. What isn’t clear is my relationship to karate. I kept dabbling with it because I felt that it was too important, culturally and physically speaking, to just leave behind. But I realize I can get my healthcare doing other things and that culture isn’t a static thing.
To be even more really honest, I just feel like a goddamn karate poser. I feel like this blog was created out of frustration, not love. And that I’m not doing the right things in life. Like I’m not listening closely enough to what my heart is telling me. So many times I’ve felt like I want to just end this blog. I suppose what will end up happening more realistically is that I will stop blogging and this site will fall dormant. But I don’t like that shit. I don’t like loose ends. Gotta tie things up. It don’t have to be pretty. Just got to be seen all the way through. Instead of deleting like I’ve done for all the other creative projects in my life, I’m leaving it here. It’s not like it’s takin’ up cyberspace. When this blog ends, I will blog about it.
Anyway, oh yeah. I’m movin’ back to California. I feel like my time is done here. Not that there isn’t any more to learn or that there are no opportunities. It’s just….It’s just that I keep hearin’ these damn song lyrics in my head:
If you won’t reinvent yourself, you can’t circumvent yourself…
It’s a good song by the way, I think. When I heard that line, it was like daaammmnnn. God was talking to me right there. Synchronicity. Cause all that day I had been thinking about this topic and I turned on the radio and there it was.
Go reinvent yourself James. Otherwise you’ll keep banging your head against the wall.